Open Letter: Writing to Javier Vazquez

Open Letters are going to comprise of me "penning" a letter to some sports figure for one reason or another. It may be a petition to do something; it may be pure unadultered rage. You never know how I'm feeling. Today, I write to a particular underachieving Yankees pitcher...

Dear Mr. Vazquez,

I’ve always wanted to complain about a guy who makes 10 million dollars a year. You’re awful. You’re overrated. Why the hell did the Yankees trade for you, giving up my favorite player (Melky Cabrera) in the process?

You had a 2.87 ERA last year in Atlanta. EVERYONE knows the AL shits on the NL. That 2.87 ERA is like a 4.50 ERA in the American League (a bit of an exaggeration, but there’s a BIG difference). It’s funny because your ERA right now is 9.00. My goodness, that’s DOUBLE 4.50! Your best start this year (you know, the one start that got you a win) had you throwing 107 pitches to get 16 guys out. Yep, 5 and 1/3 innings pitched while giving up 3 runs. Thank God you have the best lineup in baseball.

It seems to be a common theme to me; in your only other year here (2004) you had your worst statistical season in your career up to that point, notching an ERA of 4.91, 11 hit batsmen, 12 wild pitches, your second highest WHIP in your career (1.288), and second lowest strikeout ratio in your career (6.8 K/9 IP). How you managed to 14 games that year defies all logic in nature.
Do you remember something else about that year, Javy? Specifically, coming in to Game 7 of the ALCS against the Red Sox who were still cursed at that time? Do you recall giving up a grand slam to Johnny Damon, the FIRST batter you faced? Great times. Just when you couldn’t be any lower in Yankees fans’ hearts, you gave up yet ANOTHER home run to Damon 2 innings later.

And after thriving in an inferior league, you somehow persuaded the Yankees to bring you back. Look how far it’s gotten you! All you’ve received is your paycheck and one undeserved win. Holy shit, you have no idea how angry you make me. Pull your head out of your ass. You’re 34 years old. You know how to pitch well. DO IT, you asshole. You’re such a waste of money. Justify your price tag or something of that nature. You know, other guys come to New York and succeed, if not, elevate their games and do better. Why can’t you?

Sincerely,
Michael Moschetto