5 Stacked World Cup Rosters (on paper)

Yes, on paper. I’m not necessarily saying these are going to be the best five teams on the pitch this summer, but wow, their rosters are STACKED. Of course, this isn’t in order of quality; rather, I’ll just put it alphabetically.

Argentina:

Goalies: Sergio Romero (AZ Alkmaar), Mariano Andujar (Catania), Diego Pozo (Colon)
Defenders: Nicolas Burdisso (Inter Milan), Martin Demichelis (Bayern Munich), Walter Samuel (Inter Milan), Gabriel Heinze (Olympique Marseille), Nicolas Otamendi (Velez Sarsfield), Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle), Juan Manuel Insaurralde (Newell’s Old Boys), Clemente Rodriguez (Estudiantes), Ariel Garce (Colon)
Midfielders: Javier Mascherano (Liverpool), Sebastian Blanco (Lanus), Juan Sebastian Veron (Estudiantes), Jesus Datolo (Olympiacos), Jose Sosa (Estudiantes), Maximiliano Rodriguez (Liverpool), Mario Bolatti (Fiorentina), Juan Mercier (Argentinos Juniors), Angel Di María (Benfica), Jonas Gutiérrez (Newcastle), Javier Pastore (Palermo)
Forwards: Sergio Agüero (Atletico Madrid), Diego Milito (Inter Milan), Martin Palermo (Boca Juniors), Carlos Tevez (Manchester City), Gonzalo Higuain (Real Madrid), Lionel Messi (Barcelona), Ezequiel Lavezzi (Napoli)

Argentina is coached by Argentine legend Diego Maradona, who enjoys a line of cocaine every morning. There’s no doubting the talent on this team, with Messi (the best player in the world), Aguero, Milito, and Tevez spearing the attack. Christ, that’s scary. A saving grace for opponents is that Maradona is an awful coach who barely got this elite team into the World Cup, coaching them to infamous defeats such as a 6-0 cockslapping at the hands of Bolivia. Yes, Bolivia.

Brazil:

Goalies: Julio Cesar, Gomes, Doni
Defense: Maicon, Dani Alves, Lucio, Juan, Luisao, Thiago Silva, Michel Bastos, Gilberto
Midfield: Kaka, Gilberto Silva, Felipe Melo, Elano, Ramires, Kleberson, Julio Baptista, Josue
Forward: Luis Fabiano, Robinho, Nilmar, Grafite
Reserves: Diego Tardelli, Ganso, Carlos Eduardo, Marcelo, Alex, Ronaldinho, Sandro.

Ah, the Samba Boys and their beautiful football. Although coach Dunga has been heavily criticized for not having a fluid, “Joga Bonito” style of attack, his track record is not to be messed with. The captain of the 1994 World Cup champions, he knows nothing but success, winning the Confederations Cup last year. This team is retardedly stacked, having world-class players at every position, especially right-back, with Maicon (favorite player on this team) and Dani Alves fighting for minutes. And yeah, you see the names up there. How can Brazil not make it to the semifinals?

England:

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart, David James, Robert Green
Defenders: Leighton Baines, Jamie Carragher, Ashley Cole, Michael Dawson, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Ledley King, John Terry, Matthew Upson, Stephen Warnock
Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Tom Huddlestone, Adam Johnson, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Shaun Wright-Phillips
Forwards: Darren Bent, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney

Fabio Capello’s boys try to win a World Cup for the first time in 4 decades. Joe Hart is quietly emerging into one of the best keepers in the world. Rio “Big Bird” Ferdinand and ultimate ladies’ man John Terry anchor the defense, with Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard controlling the middle of the field. Wayne Rooney, arguably the best striker in the world, will most likely splash a jimbo this summer racking up goals for the Three Lions. Keep an eye on Jermain Defoe, Rooney’s most likely striking partner; he’s having a career year and will be a great second option.

Ivory Coast*:

Goalkeepers: Vincent Angban (ASEC Abidjan, Ivory Coast), Boubacar Barry (Lokeren, Belgium), Aristides Zogbo (Maccabi Netanya, Israel), Daniel Yeboah (SEC Abidjan, Ivory Coast).
Defenders: Souleymane Bamba (Hibernian, Scotland), Arthur Boka (VB Stuttgart, Germany), Benjamin Brou Angoua (Valenciennes, France), Guy Demel (Hamburg SV, Germany), Emmanuel Eboue (Arsenal, England), Abdoulaye Meite (West Bromwich Albion, England), Steve Gohouri (Wigan Athletic, England), Siaka Tiene (Valenciennes, France), Kolo Toure (Manchester City, England).
Midfielders: Emerse Fae (Nantes, France), Jean-Jacques Gosso Gosso(Monaco, France), Abdelkader Keita (Galatasaray, Turkey), Emmanuel Kone(International Curtea Arges, Romania), Gervais Yao Kouassi (Lille, France), Christian Koffi Ndri (Sevilla, Spain), Cheik Ismael Tiote (Twente Enschede, Holland), Yaya Toure (Barcelona, Spain), Gilles Yapi Yapo (Young Boys Berne, Switzerland), Didier Zokora (Sevilla, Spain).
Forwards: Kanga Akale (Racing Lens, France), Aruna Dindane (Racing Lens, France), Seydou Doumbia (Young Boys Berne, Switzerland), Didier Drogba (Chelsea, England), Salomon Kalou (Chelsea, England), Bakary Kone (Olympique Marseille, France).

Yeah, you probably weren’t expecting an African team. But the World Cup is in Africa for the first time, and the Ivory Coast has the best African team (on paper, of course). They will have the weight of their continent on their shoulders as they try to make a deep run into the tournament. But seriously, all they need is Didier Drogba. He’s unstoppable when he wants to be; size, strength, speed, and an incredible ability to put the ball in the net make this guy absolutely filthy. However, the rest of the team has great players plying their trade in Europe (most notably the Toure brothers, Eboue, and Kalou). This team is arguably will be one of the most interesting to watch.

Portugal*:

Goalkeepers: Beto (Porto), Daniel Fernandes (Iraklis), Eduardo (Braga)
Defenders: Fabio Coentrao (Benfica), Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea), Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea), Ze Castro (Deportivo La Coruna), Bruno Alves (Porto), Rolando (Porto), Ricardo Costa (Lille), Duda (Malaga), Pepe (Real Madrid), Miguel (Valencia)
Midfielders: Tiago (Atletico Madrid), Deco (Chelsea), Raul Meireles (Porto), Nani (Manchester United), Miguel Veloso (Sporting Lisbon), Pedro Mendes (Sporting Lisbon)
Forwards: Simao Sabrosa (Atletico Madrid), Hugo Almeida (Werder Bremen), Liedson (Sporting Lisbon), Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid), Danny (Zenit St Petersburg).

Okay, I starred both the Ivory Coast and Portugal as part of a tie; they don’t match up with the other four but are still quite nasty. But Portugal has one metro-ass superstar (Ronaldo, of course) and a lot of depth in midfield. The only question mark here is at goalkeeper, where none of these guys have a lot of elite international competition under their belts. As a side note, Simao Sabrosa has the best name in this article, without a doubt. I’m debating whether it sounds more like a name of a porn star or a villain from a James Bond movie. Moving on.

Spain:

Goalkeepers:
Iker Casillas (Real Madrid)
Pepe Reina (Liverpool FC)
Diego López (Villarreal FC)
Víctor Valdés (FC Barcelona)
David De Gea (Atlético de Madrid)
Defenders:
Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid)
Raúl Albiol (Real Madrid)
Álvaro Arbeloa (Real Madrid)
Gerard Piqué (FC Barcelona)
Carles Puyol (FC Barcelona)
Carlos Marchena (Valencia CF)
Joan Capdevila (Villarreal CF)
César Azpilicueta (Osasuna)
Midfielders:
Xabi Alonso (Real Madrid)
Sergi Busquets (FC Barcelona)
Xavi Hernández (FC Barcelona)
Andrés Iniesta (FC Barcelona)
David Silva (Valencia CF)
Juan Mata (Valencia CF)
Marcos Senna (Villarreal CF)
Cesc Fábregas (Arsenal)
Javi Martínez (Athletic de Bilbao)
Jesús Navas (Sevilla FC)
Santi Cazorla (Villarreal CF)
Strikers:
David Villa (Valencia CF)
Álvaro Negredo (Sevilla FC)
Fernando Torres (Liverpool)
Dani Güiza (Fenerbahce)
Fernando Llorente (Athletic de Bilbao)
Pedro Rodríguez (FC Barcelona)

I could write an entire article on why this team will win it all, but that may come later. Notice that only 3 players on this team play outside of Spain (Fabregas, Torres, Guiza); that says a lot about country loyalty. Stacked from top to bottom, Espana is also the defending European champions, winning Euro 2008 in an absolutely dominating performance. Casillas in goal, Puyol and Ramos leading defense, Xavi and Iniesta dropping diddicks in midfield, and Torres and Villa scoring goals… I would place Spain as the favorites to win it all this summer.